Not Just A Minion

Posted by Paige

I was never really very sure about having children. I am an only child and never had a lot of experience with babies and had literally only baby sat two (very good) children in my whole life. I didn’t know what to do with babies, with all their weird, jerky body movements and fluids and crying. I had changed only a handful of diapers in my life. So when my husband and I reverted back to the Catholic Church and learned all about the true meaning of a marital vocation, I was a bit skeptical. I agonized over the whole decision, wondering if my years away had shut my mind and heart off from my true calling, which must have been to be a nun, since kids scared me so much. Greg just wanted me to trust and go with it, but also understood my very real, if inexplicable, fear of tiny humans.

I knew at some point, though, that my “grave reasons” really didn’t feel so grave and I knew that I would have to just accept that children would be something that would come unless one of us was infertile. With NFP, I was pretty sure that wasn’t the case. So, we abandoned the rules and started to TTW (trying to whatever). We got pregnant almost right away, which for me, was pretty hard. (Please don’t hate me. For me, not having that built-in window of time to really get used to the idea might be almost as hard as waiting for someone who takes a little while to get pregnant). I knew as soon as I saw the temperature jump, and the third day of this (which happened to be St. Gerard’s feast day) I knew for sure. I was a ball of anxiety. Now there was a baby. It was real. I was terrified of something happening to it, and knew that now it was in there and it only had 2 ways out, neither of which sounded very appealing to me. I also had a stomach bug and coupled with my intense anxiety, I was a mess.

After about 4 days of not sleeping, I decided to go to adoration. I needed something to take my mind off of the reality of things at the moment. It was very cold that night, and I walked into a quiet church. I cried the entire hour. Sobbed, actually. I asked Jesus to help me and to give me the grace to push through the fear and be happy. I asked Him to please take it away from me so I could enjoy what obviously was a gift. I also felt very convinced that it was God’s will, since it seemed like He gave us a baby the moment I stopped being closed off to the idea. Toward the end of the hour, clear as day, the song “You Are Mine” floated through my head. Now, I HATE this song. It’s cheesy and we sing it too much and I just didn’t like it at all. But at that moment, the chorus struck me:

 

Do not be afraid, I am with you

I have called you each by name

Come and follow me, I will lead you home

I love you, and you are mine

I went home that night and slept peacefully for the first time in a week, woke up the next morning and was fine. It was all gone.

We chose Eliana’s name sort of on accident. We had a girl’s name picked out for most of our relationship, despite my never being sure about having kids. We had a boy’s name ready, too, since we didn’t find out the gender of the baby. I’m not even entirely sure where I heard the name, though I think it might have been from one of my #Cathsorority sisters. It’s a form of  Helena for Greg’s grandmother, Helen, and Claire for my grandmother and aunt. I found out later what her name meant. Eliana is Hebrew for “My God has answered.” Claire means clear or bright in French. My doubt baby, this precious child that I never knew I could even want, but love more than words can even express? Her name literally means “My God has answered- CLEARLY!”

**This Post is Part of the Team Whitaker Baby Name Link Up**